Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Foreplay- Illusion or Delusion?

I really hate the idea of foreplay, that sex is a process, with a predictable outcome, divided into stages.
How the male mind works:
"ME horny"(Find woman, pester)
Kiss, squeeze boob, stroke thigh(This is the stage known known as foreplay)
Poke(repeat until male orgasm, this is the sex stage, "real sex" ends when he comes)
Sleep (Sex over now)

If women were more amenable to task oriented sex, some kind of deal could be struck(you go down, kiss pussy until I orgasm, then poke) and this arrangement is better than her listening to him snore, staring at the ceiling frustrated and having, what is no doubt the most common of all female fantasies, strangling the insensitive bastard.

I think sex for men and women could be improved if we exploit another aspect of male thinking, men have no trouble understanding that machines need routine maintenance, the same guy that thinks he can just fire up his woman and ride would never treat a motorcycle so casually. Foreplay is all day, everyday, bubble bath and silly little love notes are the oil changes of love.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

How to properly tip a barista

 Simple matter of physics, they're much easier to tip than cows or outhouses

Monday, November 29, 2010

Obscene and Pornographic Art Prices

You'll have to forgive me for a serious post, but I am outraged, outraged I say. My little covers are meant to amuse but I am very sincere in my admiration for the pulp artists. A collection of cast off and abandoned works by Picasso have been discovered and valued in the neighborhood of $80 million. The record for a work of a pulp artist is under $150,000. A world class museum of pulp art could be built and maintained in perpetuity for much less than the price of a single work of Lucien Freud. I admire Picasso and Freud a good deal but too many fine artists labor in obscurity while histrionic speculation in art drives the prices far beyond their actual worth. This sort of star worship is rampant in the performance arts as well as sports and even finance. I have no problem with the talented, hard working or just lucky being rich but one Van Gogh work is not more valuable than the life's' works of hundreds of artists laboring today unappreciated and unrewarded like Van Gogh himself.

What you don't know can hurt you

"Fool's tax":
This isn't a word I love but a phrase and an idea that really has its place today perhaps more than ever.
The price you pay for ignorance, buying oregano or a used car that dies after two blocks. What about straying into the wrong neighborhood?

Monday, November 15, 2010

Boys Just Wanna Have Fun




Words I love,
Apoplexy- literally to have a stroke but it hearkens back to the day when it was believed that a person could become so frustrated that their brain would blow.
Dissolute- debauched, degenerate, depraved, dissipated, lewd, lax, lascivious,wanton,wayward, wicked and wild. The best things in life are synonyms.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Bitch, bitch, bitch

I hate movies that don't know when they're over, most recently Deadgirl, terrific movie if you like sick and wrong. It has tons of loose ends, zombies running around as well as many dead or missing kids from one high school, which is fine and actually would be good sequel bait but instead it opts for a too pat ending with no resolution. Would a zombie have rights? I doubt if you could call them legally dead since they clearly have some limited brain activity. Are they mentally ill rather than murderers? Most zombie movies are end of the world scenarios but what if there were just a few that could be safely restrained?
Just to throw this in "3:10 To Yuma" above average western until the last 10 minutes when it turns into the worst buddy movie ever made.
Today's weird but true.
The perfect crime scene. The US Constitution specifies that a jury must be selected from the state in which the crime was committed as well as the federal district. This has never been a problem because state boundaries almost perfectly line up with districts. An exception is the part of Yellowstone Park in Idaho because the entire park lies in the Wyoming district. This area has no population and hence no one available to serve as a juror.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Crypts and the Bloods

"Those who fail to study history are doomed to repeat it"
My tenth grade teacher and confirmed the next semester by my guidance counselor

Friday, October 15, 2010

Hammer Time

Is that a tarantula in your pocket or are you just overdue for a wax?

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you show me where it's buried?

Heaven must be missing an angel... judging by the pile of bloody feathers


Friday, July 9, 2010

Wanted for Failure to Appear-the Invisible Man

" I didn't mean for it happen, at first he kept me in the dark and it felt like just another fling but later, he took me by surprise and I knew that if I let go, he'd vanish forever."

" Oh, all his women are pumped just full of surprises; did you think you were the only one? He's not a guy who can get by on good looks."

"Of course, but I've never been felt about this way by any other man."



Tuesday, June 29, 2010

An Indelicate Dilemma



The temperature in Seattle has finally risen above seventy and some female flesh has emerged from the Seattle Burka(goretex and polarguard swaddling)
You've got a seat on the bus, basking in the sun and the view.(life is good)
Mr Happy agrees(emphatically)
A hot Mom gets on the bus( and clearly really needs your seat)
But if you stand up your awkward boner ends up right in her face.

Act nonchalant and hope she does the same?
Act nonchalant and wink?
Whistle loudly and tunelessly while turning in circles so other riders can share the discomfort?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Wherefore art thou JRR Tolkein

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, biblically , a fellow of infinite
lust, of most excellent fancy. He hath bore me on his back a
thousand times, and now how in my imagination it is!
My prong rises at it.

Today's trivia- Horny(to be inflamed with lust) is an very old term. Well before Shakespeare's
era " to have the horn"(an erection) was a popular euphemism. You can thank some stuffy old
Cambridge language professor for this kernel of wisdom.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Two Girls One Whirled Cup

Masturbation causes blindness- like many old wives tales, this has a grain of truth.
Occasionally teen boys look down when they spew and glue their eyes shut.

Breaking news- a film critic, well known for his harsh reviews has been murdered by one of Hollywood's most famous actors.

Now he's the "The Star Strangled Panner"

Friday, June 4, 2010

Cunninlingusaurus Cephaloafferus

This dinosaur whose tongue was as long as his name fed exclusively on nectar.

Todays' true facts
- the name for hummingbird in Brasil is Beija Flor (flower kisser)
- chicken sexer is a legitimate job title (rooster?)

Friday, May 28, 2010

Lucky for me they don't make a METH-a-lyzer


Start over... it clearly states circle one answer... not three

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Most Terrifying Remake


ALEX (Played by Miley)
One thing I could never stand is to see a filthy, dirty old drunkie, howling away at the filthy songs of his fathers and going blerp, blerp in between as it might be a filthy old orchestra in his stinking rotten guts. I could never stand to see anyone like that, whatever his age might be, but more especially when he was my Dad.

The girls stop and applaud him.

TRAMP(Billy Ray Cyrus)
Can you... can you spare some nookie?

DROOG DIM(Amy Winehouse)
Yeah

TRAMP
Anybody else?

DROOG GEORGIE(Britney Spears)
That's a right purty mouth...
cue Dueling Banjos by the Berlin Philharmonic

DROOG PETE (Paris Hilton)
Squeal, WHEE WHEE
rips off his tighty whities and rams her strapon into the Tramp. The girls laugh.

Miley, Britney, Paris, and Amy have formed a cover group that only performs when they are PMSing.

Bloatie and the Ho-fish

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Gimme an entendre and make it a double

Her favorite drink is a Jackie Collins-cheap gin, sour mix, pop the cherry and make the rocks with dirty water

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

ABCs Wide World of Wooden Ass Paddling


The Thrill of Hickory
The Agony of the Seat

Weird trivia- Hangmen of the western world traditionally tie a hangman's noose with an unlucky 13 coils. In the middle east with a lucky number 7, they figure if your getting hung that's enough bad luck for one day.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Daddy Dearest


" He's a sweet kid, but he'll never be a silver back" Jane Goodall.

" I look at him and I'm all like 'what a waste' he needs to face reality" Lindsay Lohan

"Have you seen his pec implants, how insecure can you get?" Pamela Anderson

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Crude but effecftive



The drawing, I can do better but what's the point of being a slacker if you have to do everything right. This is the best prank I ever invented.

Monday, May 10, 2010

It was easy... maybe too easy

Later, drowning his sorrows at the saloon...
He turns to the blonde floozy and says," I drink to forget."
"Me too," she replies sprightly," Why do you?"

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Girl's Night In... (Again)



Women who bought this also bought the same old line from that loser at the health club.


Friday, May 7, 2010

Strictly need to know

On Hungarian websites always click on "cicusok" it mostly leads to pictures of hot women (sometimes cats)

If you let your 12 year old nephew charge his IPod on your computer it will thoughtfully find and upload the videos in the folder titled "taxes 2004" for his viewing pleasure

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Is that a bomb in your shoe or...?

Flog The Whore Tinkerbell for Immodest Dress is the most popular ride at DisneyArabia

Sunday, May 2, 2010

They Feast By Night

She opened the door, languidly, her robe open; the pizza man was stunned by the naked desire in her face.
Suddenly, as she checked out his package,her smouldering need was replaced by a burst of icy rage.
"You, bastard," she mouthed, it was nearly a whisper,
"You forgot the fucking bread sticks."

Friday, April 30, 2010

Oh, Brave New World

THE
GALAXY'S
MOST
POWERFUL
VIBRATOR

It's the...
SUPER SHOCKER
By HASBRO
Atomic Powered Main Thruster
with front and rear retro rockets
Quick Pump Action
Extra Large Lube Capacity
If you're not super soaked it's not a real
SUPER SHOCKER
No Money Back If Not Completely Satisfied
(at least we don't expect you to fake it)

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Saturday, April 24, 2010

You'll Buy It, You'll Read It, You'll Hate Yourself In the Morning

All the
Shameless
Exploitation
of
ALIEN
VS
PREDATOR
But for Girls

Friday, April 23, 2010

Can I Get A Witness?



A friend of mine worked as a waitress in Denver and walked home in the wee hours under the "viaduct" , freeway over head, so dark corners of concrete pillars and chain link fences where she walked. She caught a glimpse of a burly shadow a few yards behind; she looked straight ahead and picked up her pace, she could hear heavy boots closing the gap. At the darkest and loneliest spot he was so close she could hear him breathing, in a husky whisper he said," Praise the Lord," and quickly passed.


"Amen , brother"

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Ave Eternal

When I made this cover, I had the ave in Seattle's U district in mind but the ave isn't one place every city(and every soul) has one. My first ave is Telegraph in Berkeley, first in sex, first in drugs, and pretty prominent in Rock 'n Roll. My second ave is Colfax in Denver, living big, laughing hard , singing Randy Newman loudly and drunkenly, the best of times and the worst of times. Crashing down hard and finally and inevitability learning the lesson that no matter how fucked up and crazy you are you have to live a life that matters.

An old story that I've always loved: a pope, a parish priest and a cloistered brother were all in heaven talking about their lives on earth.
The pope says,"I saved a million souls."
The priest says "I saved a thousand."
They looked at the brother and asked him, "How many souls have you saved?"
"One"

Just for the record I'm nominally Jewish and don't believe in life after death.
But I've saved one and like to think I've helped a couple of others along.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Sheila

Try not to look at the camera

Friday, April 9, 2010

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Seattle Style


We aren't all goose down and Gore-tex

Monday, April 5, 2010

Ode to my branch


Cheesey eighties porn has left me unable to look at a woman in a conservative suit and glasses without instantly imagining the S&M black bustier and garter belt underneath.
God bless porn!

Friday, April 2, 2010

♫ I come from a land down under ♫

Let he who's never woken up in a pink apron
Buy the first round

Why the Great Auk is extinct


The only thing worse than the "deer in the headlights freeze" when confronted with an attractive member of the opposite sex is later realizing it was reciprocated .

Why Opposites Attract


How women feel about anal sex
"OW, OW, øW!"

How men feel about it
"WO, WO, W☺,"

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

She said my organ was rock hard and throbbing

She was my doctor
It was my liver
Now, I don't drink

"It's not easy being green"

Although Marijuana is highly effective in the treatment of rampage, significant destruction can still occur( especially of snack cake displays) and the tendency to dress only in torn, dirty cutoffs can persist.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Nice Ass

I hate explaining jokes but if you're not from around here this one needs some background. Enumclaw is a little country town nearby, the site of the notorious horse barn. A brothel/ movie set for beastly delights. Ballard and Wallingford are Seattle neighborhoods.

Creepy

I am a bit cracked on this subject. Celebrity can be tough, just look at what wrecks a lot of them are; they have to have some ego issues too, you need to be obsessed to be seen when everyone else in your business is also willing to do anything too. Some of them have just gone too far.

That being said I'm just waiting for Jen to peel off her face and reveal a mass of circuits. Suddenly and unexpectedly caught naked everything ordinarily clothed is smooth and featureless, she just extrudes nipples and a vagina when needed.

Bit of a Sticky Wicket

I just hope I never get so old and jaded that an old fashioned gooey romance doesn't touch my heart just a little