Dedicated to Ditzy Wallflowers

George Lucas we beg you to stop

2012-01-14T07:03:00.000-08:00

Hotel Door Hanger

2011-10-03T18:39:00.000-07:00

I really wanted to use a font called serial killer for the "Stay Out" but I couldn't find it.

One of those hyper, overly enthusiastic door to door sales men came to my home
You know the type, short sleeved dress shirt, polyester clip on tie; them and Door to Door Mormons are the only ones that still use Brycreme
He wanted to sell me "A home security system"
I told him... "I don't need no stinking burglar alarm ...I got dogs and guns"

To Whom It May Concern

2011-09-11T07:06:00.000-07:00

Ditzy Wallflowers is on a short hiatus
I'm one of several people posting on Frequently Felt. There's a button to your right
It's much more rough and raw, I've kept Wallflowers rated PG
Frequently Felt is for grownups, sick perverted grownups.
Go there if you dare or stay here and continue
Ditzy Wallflowers might seem quite frisky to some but to me it's innocent fun

The Silent Majority (no roars and only a few ladylike whimpers)

2011-08-29T07:41:00.000-07:00

Based on pop culture, especially romance novel ravishments, women comics who's bondage jokes elicit lots of knowing looks and a few blushes but rarely an icy silence and even extending to staid old magazines like Redbook; it's pretty obvious that the women who are up for some vigorous manhandhandling far out number the ones who aren't.

Yeah, you

2011-08-24T07:32:00.000-07:00

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ????

2011-08-13T07:27:00.000-07:00

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

2011-08-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

Ahh, the old dick in the box ploy

2011-08-10T19:04:00.000-07:00

As they say in Mordor, "Looks like meat's back on the menu boys"

GIVE US MONEY OR WE'LL CLOTHE THIS WOMAN

2011-08-10T07:22:00.000-07:00

Hey, It Worked For PETA
Chest compressions, any woman dressed like that is just asking for them.
(as usual the picture is better if you click on it)

Women need a little mystery, don't be too obvious

2011-08-04T18:50:00.000-07:00

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now." Bob Monkhouse

I have a hard time with some comics, Bob Monkhouse is one. His delivery just doesn't work for me.

Lenny Bruce is another, his hyper nervous style is really offputting. Reading his stuff really cracks me up, though.

Jimmy Carr is just the opposite, I think he could crack me up reading a phone book.

I'm so confused

2011-07-24T20:28:00.000-07:00

Bisexual doesn't seem to be a very useful parameter. We need something better than the classic scale with straights on one end, gays on the other and bisexuals in the middle. An indiscriminate horndog may be bisexual but they have less in common with June Cleaver than a bisexual woman is is a faithfully married homemaker who changes a longtime partner of one sex for another. Is someone in prison who enters a same sex relationship after sex or companionship. Maybe how lonely they are is the important thing.

This CAT don't LOL

2011-05-22T07:05:00.000-07:00

I'd tell you youngins to sit down for some folksy horseshit but you're already sittin cause you never move your lazy asses out front of your computers.

We had FWB's back in Mayberry, we just didn't broadcast it, HELL, WE HAD RELATIVES WITH BENEFITS, SHEEP WITH BENEFITS, we was just poor country folks and didn't hold with abbreviating.

In my day our idea of fun was to get mean ass drunk, go to an opium den in Chinatown and take a bamboo cane to a few of those funsized hookers.

We didn't upload anything but jizm.

Herpes didn't count cause they weren't nuhin' but coldsores and the worst thing you could catch was a little bit of root rot penicillin could clear up right smartly.

They didn't smoke marijuana in Musgokee cause it was ditch weed, they wooda though... look at the place now meth capital of the dust bowl. Back in my day we had most of our teeth until we were 30. They didn't cotton much to oral sex, blow jobs and snaggle tooth women shouldn't mix.

Gift horse

2011-05-03T14:23:00.000-07:00

Transforming monster bites are an increasing threat to public health and so it behooves us to observe the consequences of crossover as it becomes more common. The Underworld movies have undertaken the study of Vampire/werewolf cross. Apparently you gain both the smooth seductiveness of a vampire and the animal magnetism of the werewolf and become irresistible to hot English women who favor leather fetish costumes so being transformed into a monster has an upside.

The werebie is noted for being partially furred, a shambling walk and garbled, drooling attempts at speech. The simplest test is to smell the breath, if foul, decaying, and fermented you probably have a common wino.
If this is not definitive offer him a hug, a teary, maudlin display of affection is almost certainly a wino. If he attempts to bite you it may be difficult to distinguish the two .

The zompire is double dead, zombies have no liquid circulating blood so are not a suitable menu item for vampires. Vampires bitten by zombies face perhaps the saddest fate of all, unable to withstand daylight and also losing the dash and charm so characteristic of the children of the night they soon become universally despised, drown their sorrows in karaoke and haunt chat roulette.

Wait...what?

2011-04-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

Miss, I'll need to check your fridge for some evidence

Evil prank... nearly cut through some tampon strings and put them back in the wrapper

2011-04-19T21:20:00.000-07:00

Hans Conried (April 15, 1917 – January 5, 1982)

2011-04-15T18:01:00.000-07:00

R.I.P the real and original Snidely Whiplash
The live action movie was an abhorrent abominable abortion
Like Bugs, especially, the old cartoons may have gone over our heads when we were kids
But they didn't talk down to us

If you want to be promiscuous

2011-04-11T08:20:00.000-07:00

Practice, practice, practice

I like girls that play hard to get

2011-03-29T10:15:00.000-07:00

and I especially like the good sports that keep playing after they know they're terrible at it.

Plagiarizing ain't easy

2011-03-24T06:24:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to use a photograph; I thought of the sign gag without the picture, but dedicated scouring of pulp art failed to provide a suitable painting. My post " It was easy..." was surprisingly difficult, the gunfighter on the Western Street is such a cliche'. Click to enlarge as usual

Quit whining, I barely grazed you

2011-03-12T10:39:00.000-08:00

Not so fast there...

2011-01-20T06:20:00.000-08:00

I recently saw this posted as an example of how not to lock things up

http://presurfer.blogspot.com/2011/01/locking-up-your-property.html#links
Grotesquely unfair, the ring on the inside doorknob is pure genius. It's probably stronger and faster to use than the little slidebar and chain that are commercially available. Plus no drilled holes or other scars on the door. It is easy to imagine a commercial version, modify the ring slightly to cam lock onto the door. Two of them chained together would work instantly on double doors.

If Countries Were People

2011-01-03T09:17:00.000-08:00

The Anglos are family, we love Canada, the older sister, modest, polite straight A grades, the go to gal when we fuck up. The US is the only boy, loud, pushy,who's the favorite only because he is the boy, cluelessly blundering through life secure in his entitlement. Australia is the acting out baby sister, smoking cigarettes with her bunch of slutty friends that ignore the US except when they want to piss her off. New Zealand is the invisible middle child, the wallflower who everyone identifies only as Australia's sister. Good old mom, England, we love her we really do but we hate to visit because her house is full of antique furniture we have to stay off. Lovable Ireland Dad, he was fun when he was sober and around, we understand why mom divorced him but it's been forever, why can't they bury the hatchet.

Foreplay- Illusion or Delusion?

2010-12-08T07:12:00.000-08:00

I really hate the idea of foreplay, that sex is a process, with a predictable outcome, divided into stages.
How the male mind works:
"ME horny"(Find woman, pester)
Kiss, squeeze boob, stroke thigh(This is the stage known known as foreplay)
Poke(repeat until male orgasm, this is the sex stage, "real sex" ends when he comes)
Sleep (Sex over now)

If women were more amenable to task oriented sex, some kind of deal could be struck(you go down, kiss pussy until I orgasm, then poke) and this arrangement is better than her listening to him snore, staring at the ceiling frustrated and having, what is no doubt the most common of all female fantasies, strangling the insensitive bastard.

I think sex for men and women could be improved if we exploit another aspect of male thinking, men have no trouble understanding that machines need routine maintenance, the same guy that thinks he can just fire up his woman and ride would never treat a motorcycle so casually. Foreplay is all day, everyday, bubble bath and silly little love notes are the oil changes of love.

How to properly tip a barista

2010-12-02T12:55:00.000-08:00

Simple matter of physics, they're much easier to tip than cows or outhouses

Obscene and Pornographic Art Prices

2010-11-29T09:24:00.000-08:00

You'll have to forgive me for a serious post, but I am outraged, outraged I say. My little covers are meant to amuse but I am very sincere in my admiration for the pulp artists. A collection of cast off and abandoned works by Picasso have been discovered and valued in the neighborhood of $80 million. The record for a work of a pulp artist is under $150,000. A world class museum of pulp art could be built and maintained in perpetuity for much less than the price of a single work of Lucien Freud. I admire Picasso and Freud a good deal but too many fine artists labor in obscurity while histrionic speculation in art drives the prices far beyond their actual worth. This sort of star worship is rampant in the performance arts as well as sports and even finance. I have no problem with the talented, hard working or just lucky being rich but one Van Gogh work is not more valuable than the life's' works of hundreds of artists laboring today unappreciated and unrewarded like Van Gogh himself.

What you don't know can hurt you

2010-11-29T06:40:00.000-08:00

"Fool's tax":
This isn't a word I love but a phrase and an idea that really has its place today perhaps more than ever.
The price you pay for ignorance, buying oregano or a used car that dies after two blocks. What about straying into the wrong neighborhood?

Boys Just Wanna Have Fun

2010-11-15T18:13:00.000-08:00

Words I love,
Apoplexy- literally to have a stroke but it hearkens back to the day when it was believed that a person could become so frustrated that their brain would blow.
Dissolute- debauched, degenerate, depraved, dissipated, lewd, lax, lascivious,wanton,wayward, wicked and wild. The best things in life are synonyms.

Bitch, bitch, bitch

2010-10-28T12:03:00.000-07:00

I hate movies that don't know when they're over, most recently Deadgirl, terrific movie if you like sick and wrong. It has tons of loose ends, zombies running around as well as many dead or missing kids from one high school, which is fine and actually would be good sequel bait but instead it opts for a too pat ending with no resolution. Would a zombie have rights? I doubt if you could call them legally dead since they clearly have some limited brain activity. Are they mentally ill rather than murderers? Most zombie movies are end of the world scenarios but what if there were just a few that could be safely restrained?
Just to throw this in "3:10 To Yuma" above average western until the last 10 minutes when it turns into the worst buddy movie ever made.
Today's weird but true.
The perfect crime scene. The US Constitution specifies that a jury must be selected from the state in which the crime was committed as well as the federal district. This has never been a problem because state boundaries almost perfectly line up with districts. An exception is the part of Yellowstone Park in Idaho because the entire park lies in the Wyoming district. This area has no population and hence no one available to serve as a juror.

Crypts and the Bloods

2010-10-17T10:21:00.001-07:00

"Those who fail to study history are doomed to repeat it"
My tenth grade teacher and confirmed the next semester by my guidance counselor

Hammer Time

2010-10-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

Is that a tarantula in your pocket or are you just overdue for a wax?

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you show me where it's buried?

Heaven must be missing an angel... judging by the pile of bloody feathers

Wanted for Failure to Appear-the Invisible Man

2010-07-09T08:15:00.000-07:00

" I didn't mean for it happen, at first he kept me in the dark and it felt like just another fling but later, he took me by surprise and I knew that if I let go, he'd vanish forever."

" Oh, all his women are pumped just full of surprises; did you think you were the only one? He's not a guy who can get by on good looks."

"Of course, but I've never been felt about this way by any other man."

An Indelicate Dilemma

2010-06-29T06:08:00.000-07:00

The temperature in Seattle has finally risen above seventy and some female flesh has emerged from the Seattle Burka(goretex and polarguard swaddling)
You've got a seat on the bus, basking in the sun and the view.(life is good)
Mr Happy agrees(emphatically)
A hot Mom gets on the bus( and clearly really needs your seat)
But if you stand up your awkward boner ends up right in her face.

Act nonchalant and hope she does the same?
Act nonchalant and wink?
Whistle loudly and tunelessly while turning in circles so other riders can share the discomfort?

Wherefore art thou JRR Tolkein

2010-06-17T20:23:00.000-07:00

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, biblically , a fellow of infinite
lust, of most excellent fancy. He hath bore me on his back a
thousand times, and now how in my imagination it is!
My prong rises at it.

Today's trivia- Horny(to be inflamed with lust) is an very old term. Well before Shakespeare's
era " to have the horn"(an erection) was a popular euphemism. You can thank some stuffy old
Cambridge language professor for this kernel of wisdom.

Two Girls One Whirled Cup

2010-06-13T06:38:00.000-07:00

Masturbation causes blindness- like many old wives tales, this has a grain of truth.
Occasionally teen boys look down when they spew and glue their eyes shut.

Breaking news- a film critic, well known for his harsh reviews has been murdered by one of Hollywood's most famous actors.

Now he's the "The Star Strangled Panner"

Pubic Service Announcement

2010-06-06T07:26:00.000-07:00

Cunninlingusaurus Cephaloafferus

2010-06-04T05:42:00.000-07:00

This dinosaur whose tongue was as long as his name fed exclusively on nectar.

Todays' true facts
- the name for hummingbird in Brasil is Beija Flor (flower kisser)
- chicken sexer is a legitimate job title (rooster?)

Lucky for me they don't make a METH-a-lyzer

2010-05-28T15:54:00.000-07:00

Start over... it clearly states circle one answer... not three

Most Terrifying Remake

2010-05-26T06:51:00.000-07:00

ALEX (Played by Miley)
One thing I could never stand is to see a filthy, dirty old drunkie, howling away at the filthy songs of his fathers and going blerp, blerp in between as it might be a filthy old orchestra in his stinking rotten guts. I could never stand to see anyone like that, whatever his age might be, but more especially when he was my Dad.

The girls stop and applaud him.

TRAMP(Billy Ray Cyrus)
Can you... can you spare some nookie?

DROOG DIM(Amy Winehouse)
Yeah

TRAMP
Anybody else?

DROOG GEORGIE(Britney Spears)
That's a right purty mouth... cue Dueling Banjos by the Berlin Philharmonic

DROOG PETE (Paris Hilton)
Squeal, WHEE WHEE rips off his tighty whities and rams her strapon into the Tramp. The girls laugh.

Miley, Britney, Paris, and Amy have formed a cover group that only performs when they are PMSing.

Bloatie and the Ho-fish

Gimme an entendre and make it a double

2010-05-20T08:40:00.000-07:00

Her favorite drink is a Jackie Collins-cheap gin, sour mix, pop the cherry and make the rocks with dirty water

ABCs Wide World of Wooden Ass Paddling

2010-05-19T18:21:00.000-07:00

The Thrill of Hickory
The Agony of the Seat

Weird trivia- Hangmen of the western world traditionally tie a hangman's noose with an unlucky 13 coils. In the middle east with a lucky number 7, they figure if your getting hung that's enough bad luck for one day.

Baby, it'll never happen again

2010-05-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

Daddy Dearest

2010-05-13T06:35:00.000-07:00

" He's a sweet kid, but he'll never be a silver back" Jane Goodall.

" I look at him and I'm all like 'what a waste' he needs to face reality" Lindsay Lohan

"Have you seen his pec implants, how insecure can you get?" Pamela Anderson

Crude but effecftive

2010-05-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

The drawing, I can do better but what's the point of being a slacker if you have to do everything right. This is the best prank I ever invented.

It was easy... maybe too easy

2010-05-10T07:35:00.000-07:00

Later, drowning his sorrows at the saloon...
He turns to the blonde floozy and says," I drink to forget."
"Me too," she replies sprightly," Why do you?"

Girl's Night In... (Again)

2010-05-08T06:06:00.000-07:00

Women who bought this also bought the same old line from that loser at the health club.

Strictly need to know

2010-05-07T06:27:00.000-07:00

On Hungarian websites always click on "cicusok" it mostly leads to pictures of hot women (sometimes cats)

If you let your 12 year old nephew charge his IPod on your computer it will thoughtfully find and upload the videos in the folder titled "taxes 2004" for his viewing pleasure

Is that a bomb in your shoe or...?

2010-05-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

Flog The Whore Tinkerbell for Immodest Dress is the most popular ride at DisneyArabia

They Feast By Night

2010-05-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

She opened the door, languidly, her robe open; the pizza man was stunned by the naked desire in her face.
Suddenly, as she checked out his package,her smouldering need was replaced by a burst of icy rage.
"You, bastard," she mouthed, it was nearly a whisper,
"You forgot the fucking bread sticks."

Oh, Brave New World

2010-04-30T06:22:00.001-07:00

THE
GALAXY'S
MOST
POWERFUL
VIBRATOR
It's the...
SUPER SHOCKER
By HASBRO
Atomic Powered Main Thruster
with front and rear retro rockets
Quick Pump Action
Extra Large Lube Capacity
If you're not super soaked it's not a real
SUPER SHOCKER
No Money Back If Not Completely Satisfied
(at least we don't expect you to fake it)

What Kind of Woman Wears Uggs on a First Date?

2010-04-27T06:40:00.000-07:00

... and she wonders why they never call

You'll Buy It, You'll Read It, You'll Hate Yourself In the Morning

2010-04-24T08:28:00.000-07:00

All the

Shameless
Exploitation
of
ALIEN
VS
PREDATOR

But for Girls

Can I Get A Witness?

2010-04-23T06:29:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine worked as a waitress in Denver and walked home in the wee hours under the "viaduct" , freeway over head, so dark corners of concrete pillars and chain link fences where she walked. She caught a glimpse of a burly shadow a few yards behind; she looked straight ahead and picked up her pace, she could hear heavy boots closing the gap. At the darkest and loneliest spot he was so close she could hear him breathing, in a husky whisper he said," Praise the Lord," and quickly passed.

"Amen , brother"

The Ave Eternal

2010-04-21T17:16:00.000-07:00

When I made this cover, I had the ave in Seattle's U district in mind but the ave isn't one place every city(and every soul) has one. My first ave is Telegraph in Berkeley, first in sex, first in drugs, and pretty prominent in Rock 'n Roll. My second ave is Colfax in Denver, living big, laughing hard , singing Randy Newman loudly and drunkenly, the best of times and the worst of times. Crashing down hard and finally and inevitability learning the lesson that no matter how fucked up and crazy you are you have to live a life that matters.

An old story that I've always loved: a pope, a parish priest and a cloistered brother were all in heaven talking about their lives on earth.
The pope says,"I saved a million souls."
The priest says "I saved a thousand."
They looked at the brother and asked him, "How many souls have you saved?"
"One"

Just for the record I'm nominally Jewish and don't believe in life after death.
But I've saved one and like to think I've helped a couple of others along.

Dames and Games

2010-04-18T07:25:00.000-07:00

Sheila

2010-04-16T18:28:00.000-07:00

Try not to look at the camera

She couldn't understand why it was so hard...

2010-04-09T16:57:00.000-07:00

...aren't hairdressers supposed to be gay.

Seattle Style

2010-04-08T14:53:00.001-07:00

We aren't all goose down and Gore-tex

Ode to my branch

2010-04-05T06:59:00.000-07:00

Cheesey eighties porn has left me unable to look at a woman in a conservative suit and glasses without instantly imagining the S&M black bustier and garter belt underneath.
God bless porn!

♫ I come from a land down under ♫

2010-04-02T20:09:00.000-07:00

Let he who's never woken up in a pink apron
Buy the first round

Why the Great Auk is extinct

2010-04-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

The only thing worse than the "deer in the headlights freeze" when confronted with an attractive member of the opposite sex is later realizing it was reciprocated .

Why Opposites Attract

2010-04-02T08:01:00.000-07:00

How women feel about anal sex
"OW, OW, øW!"

How men feel about it
"WO, WO, W☺,"

She said my organ was rock hard and throbbing

2010-03-31T19:14:00.001-07:00

She was my doctor
It was my liver
Now, I don't drink

"It's not easy being green"

2010-03-31T07:06:00.000-07:00

Although Marijuana is highly effective in the treatment of rampage, significant destruction can still occur( especially of snack cake displays) and the tendency to dress only in torn, dirty cutoffs can persist.

Nice Ass

2010-03-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

I hate explaining jokes but if you're not from around here this one needs some background. Enumclaw is a little country town nearby, the site of the notorious horse barn. A brothel/ movie set for beastly delights. Ballard and Wallingford are Seattle neighborhoods.

Creepy

2010-03-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

I am a bit cracked on this subject. Celebrity can be tough, just look at what wrecks a lot of them are; they have to have some ego issues too, you need to be obsessed to be seen when everyone else in your business is also willing to do anything too. Some of them have just gone too far.

That being said I'm just waiting for Jen to peel off her face and reveal a mass of circuits. Suddenly and unexpectedly caught naked everything ordinarily clothed is smooth and featureless, she just extrudes nipples and a vagina when needed.

Bit of a Sticky Wicket

2010-03-30T12:37:00.000-07:00

I just hope I never get so old and jaded that an old fashioned gooey romance doesn't touch my heart just a little

Candy Is Dandy

2010-03-29T18:03:00.000-07:00

Women are so easy to entertain

2010-03-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

Another one where their expressions say it all and the headline writes itself

Our New Just For Men Collection

2010-03-28T13:58:00.001-07:00

"Smells like an Egyptian whorehouse in here"
"No, it's French from France"

Celebrity Genius

2010-03-28T06:59:00.000-07:00

Mariah Carey has been hired as the spokeswoman for a new weight loss drug called "Biafra"

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor, starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff”. (True quote)

Ms Carey also is starting her own reality show about HIV/AIDS
"LOL, You Really Are The Weakest Link"

Is there anything it can't do?

2010-03-28T06:11:00.001-07:00

Rorschach Drug Test

2010-03-28T05:57:00.000-07:00

Halloween Movie Stills

2010-03-28T05:09:00.001-07:00

These were all originally posted in the week before Halloween. The one above came with a caption "Don't drink and Trick or Treat".

Why is the "Godfather", which I have never been able to even sit through, universally acclaimed, while "Tombstone" is largely regarded as just another western?
The deathbed scene was a little over the top maudlin, but only in comparison to the rest of Val Kilmer's performance.

Nostalgia

2010-03-27T18:14:00.000-07:00

This will bring back those childhood memories

Pay attention class

2010-03-27T17:41:00.000-07:00

Mongol General: ... what is best in life?

Mongol Warrior: The open steppe, fleet horse, falcon on your wrist, wind in your hair!

Mongol General: Wrong! Conan, what is best in life?

Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!

Mongol General: Also wrong, Snidely what is best in life?

Snidely Whiplash: Immunity from prosecution, half a kilo of coke, and a smokin' hot redhead who doesn't know the meaning of shame.

All together: (with gusto) fuckin' A right

Inspired by Craigslist Personals

2010-03-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

His expression made this

2010-03-27T16:27:00.000-07:00

I just filled in the blanks. (New Horizons is a swingers club hereabouts)

Upskirt

2010-03-27T16:00:00.000-07:00

If Women thought it through, cats would be less popular pets

Life is Tough

2010-03-27T15:59:00.000-07:00

A companion piece

Extenze

2010-03-27T15:42:00.000-07:00

Have you ever fallen asleep in front of the TV and realized the nightmare you were having was infomercials subliminally infiltrating your mind.

2010-03-27T15:38:00.000-07:00

I used to work in publishing and always admired the hook in the Cosmo titles.
Written by a man , incidentally.

2010-03-27T15:34:00.000-07:00

You only wish this was fictional.
New Horizons is a swingers club in Seattle. Just to add a little context.

Working Sideways

2010-03-27T15:28:00.001-07:00

Not my first, but an early effort. Smutty, juvenile and crude just like it's papa.

Working Backwards

2010-03-27T14:55:00.000-07:00

If you know me you've seem them. As a hobby I enjoy making fake ads and bookcovers.
The internet must look to me much as an undefaced streetcar looks to a tagger